I woke up this morning and immediately jumped into a pity party for myself. Awesome way to start the day!!!
Let me start at the begininng ...
Friday evening as I was getting ready for bed, I noticed my lower right eye was tender to the touch and a little bit red. I opted for some eye drops and went to bed.
Saturday morning we awoke early to set up for our yard sale. Yes, we finally decided to get rid of much of our baby items. I would say this makes it almost 100% official that we will not be having anymore children. My eye? Red and irritated. Unfortunately, Hannah also woke up not feeling so well, complaining of a tummy ache. She later developed a fever and even threw up that night. I decided at 7:30PM to head to urgent care for my eye as it was not getting better. Diagnosis? Pink Eye. Eye drops prescribed.
I set my alarm for 3AM and 7AM to wake up and give Hannah children's ibuprofen to combat her fever as well as to give myself the eye drops. Joel let me sleep in until 10AM only for me to awake for the day with a sore throat. We battled Hannah's fever all day with ibuprofen. Her mood, energy level, and appetite ebbed and flowed with the effectiveness of the medicine.
This morning she still had a fever though doesn't feel quite as warm. But now I am frustrated!!! Enter pity party. I have Makaela who has been on antibiotics for a sinus infection since last Monday. We discovered that after she had a second recurrence of a fever that she fought all of last weekend. Our 14 year old black lab has a scratched eye that we are treating with antibiotic drops every 6 hours since last Wednesday. I have pink eye and a cold and Hannah and her fever make for a mama who is feeling rather sorry for herself.
Hence my need for perspective. I have it good. I know this. I know there are people in this world right now who would give anything for a chance to nurse their children back to health from a fever because either (1) they lost a child (2) have never been able to have children (3) their child is suffering from something more severe or (4) they themselves are suffering from something that does not allow them the opportunity to administer care for their family.
And yet, all of this doesn't seem to make me feel any less bad about my own situation. And for that I feel guilty and like a bad person. I should admit that as the hours have passed from this morning, my mood has bettered. Perhaps because I am at work and not having to deal with "it" for these few hours. But I feel like I should be able to feel that I am lucky and act as such without a self-imposed reality check. Lucky that I get to wake up with my kids. That I have the means to provide the necessary medicine and medical care for not only my children, but my pets too. That I have a husband who steps in whenever needed without being asked. That my kids get to know that I will take care of them when needed.
I am thankful I, just last night, finished reading a book I picked up at the Good Will. It is called At Home in Mitford by Jan Karon. I decided to buy it because I needed something to read and it had "New York Times Best Seller" scrolled across the top and was priced at only $1.99. It's from the persepctive of a 60 something Episcopalian rector and though I am not sure I would recommend it to a whole bunch of people, I really enjoyed it. There's quite a bit of scripture referenced in the book, though I wouldn't call it a pushy religious novel at all. Due to this book, I found it very easy to say a prayer this morning as I was vacuming, to help me be thankful for my situation and to ask for grace in dealing with my kids; and to help my frustration go away. I am not sure I can say that I had that God-to-self connection I would have loved. The kind where you can really feel Him working right away, but I do have faith that he heard me. And I am pretty sure the book helped me remember I can turn to God in those lower moments.
So hopefully that perspective I need will sink in really soon. Forgive me for venting. While I do intend for this blog to be a means for me to share and record my story, I don't mean for it to be a negative place. I'll admit I feel slightly better for getting it out though.
Sidenote: I do think I have some fun stuff to share soon. Once I upload some pictures.
This book turns out to be the first of a four-part series. I think if I can find the others for a decent price, I might just pick them up.
2 days ago